A Confession
I loved her ever since the first time I set eyes on her. She was directly in my line of sight. She has a beaming ray of positivity, great mannners, a. lovely fashion style, a cute, sweet, and soft high-pitched feminine voice, nice brunette hair with light, subtle highlights and her gorgeous smile. I loved her smile so much after someone told a joke I would always look to see her smile/laugh because it was so beautiful. I wish I could make her laugh and smile. However, I committed the cardinal social sin: in the class she was right in my line of sight, I stared at her for six straight months. I stared because I thought she couldn't see me out of the corner of her eye, I stared because I thought on the chance she saw me she would tell me to stop, and I stared because deep down I was broken and I unconsciously broke someone else. I couldn't keep my eyes off her, and the only way that I would be able to if she forcefully snapped me out of it by asking me to stop. My idiotic self never ceased to wonder why she often fidgeted, why her leg was bouncing up and down a mile a minute out of nervousness and anxiety. I was committing social suicide for myself. I mocked her smile, creepily leaning over across the room in a different class to get her attention. I only did it for a class or two, but I dealt irreparable damage. For that I have no explanation, no excuse, as I told her in my cowardly apology in a DM instead of to her face because of my nervousness. I didn't deserve any thought of her's about me to cross her mind. I wasn't worthy, and I'll never be worthy. After a couple of weeks passed from my mocking of her smile and my apology, I decided to shoot my full court shot. I asked her via DM if I could talk to her after the next class together we had ended., She said, "Sure." During the later part of that class, I pulled the creepy stunt of unzipping and taking off my jacket while starting at her. She stood me up, and deservedly so after my stunt, as she was the first to leave class. Then, about a week later, in a different class and across the room, she gave me this mean death stare and wasn't breaking eye contact. I didn't last a full minute before I started bawling my eyes out into my hands in the middle of class. I cried because I felt extremely guilty, cried because I realized at the latest time possible I became an inherently mean person to her that I never wanted to become. My sobbing was presumably recorded on Snapchat and broadcasted on people's stories for everyone in the world to see (presumably, because after class school ended and I went to ride the bus and as soon as people saw me everybody clapped because I cried). I pathetically told my "friend" (another person I was mean to) after class when almost everybody had left, "I like her and I hurt her." The same week, my social life's plummet began. I heard myself being called an asshole in passing in the hallway from people I had never seen before. I heard one particular girl say, "she (the girl) never stops talking about it," and another girl say, "he apologized and he kept staring." My apology was apparently public now and had been referenced at least three times, including later by a boy, mocking "I take full responsibility for all of my actions." Fast forwarding a week, something changed. She suddenly had an interest for me. But by now, I was a shell of myself, on edge because of my deteriorating social life caused by my own had. Ond morning I was so nauseous before leaving for school I came close to vomiting. That same morning, after class, she standed right in front of me at her seat with her friend. This, of all the days, was the one day I didn't want to talk to her. I was nauseous earlier, I didn't want to ask her friend to leave, and I was pissed off at her for not standing me up and not talking to me on my watch. Her friend got her to leave after 10-15 seconds of waiting, while I was seated, staring at the ground. Later in the week, I overheard her saying, "If it doesn't happen today, then it's never gonna happen." I waited until the end of class to approach her and just as I did earlier that week, she ignored me and stared at the ground. Everyone else in the class was getting live, front-row seats to this. I was embarrassed. My mental health hit my breaking point. I started missing school, and ended up being gone for whole two weeks. The strangest thing happened when I was gone. I heard the girl's voice outside my house very often, talking to me. At one time, I was trying to sleep in the den and I felt her finger rub my right eyebrow. Everyone in my house was gone, I've been convinced it was her. I recoiled and flinched in surprise, keeping my eyes closed the entire time. Later that day, I felt her putting makeup on my forehead, and I know it was makeup because I felt it afterward. Nobody else in the house could have done that at that time either, and if it was her I have no idea how she got into the house. I did overhear a conversation between her mom and my mom, and her mom said, "She's had her eye on him." This was before that day where I think she went to my house twice. After I came back to school, nothing happened between us. Ever since, she has avoided me in every way possible. I hurt her so much, failed her, and worst of all, failed myself.In the past year, I've focused on becoming a better person, but there has not been a day that has passed without me thinking about her.